Writing Challenge: Starting Over ~~Copping with miscarriage #2 :(:(:(

The Daily Post posted a theme today titled Writing Challenge: Starting Over and I opted I to post this story I made last year during the 2nd Horror accidents to me last year, not just once  but a year before of 2012  the 1st agony started to test my faith.I called this my horror that I’m having trouble to escape because Moving on, is sometimes hard to do and it takes time. But my husband and I are heading the directions where is Up is, because it is the right way to continue our story by following whats up ahead. But there’s a moments that we can’t deny we felt  Down because of what happen, thinking that if they survive we should be playing with them now. Sometimes we go either Sideways of feelings and emotions, because we’re just human.

The bellow wordings  and paragraphs that you’ll about to read was my original writing story. Hopefully you’ll going to read it from the start till it end.

Writing Challenge: Starting Over

Hello guys,

Been a while since I haven’t hand you the update about me! Actually I opted to reveal my joyful news to you last week, but it turned out an agony again between my husband and me.

After a year, finely we got 2 lines on the stick means we are pregnant!

My husband and I conceived again for the second time. We got 2 red lines on the stick. It was the happiest day of ours. I emailed my clinic that we got positive and I want a blood test to find out my hCG level (Human chorionic gonadotropin.) On the afternoon my clinic emailed me the results, and their happy to announce that I was confirmed pregnant and my hCG level are very good. But the other good news is that my numbers are quite high and possible for twin! And I should be resting until our first ultrasound comes.

Those hCG result made us so happy and thrilled about our blessings from God, and plus the possible twins those were awesome. We finely conceived again after our first miscarriage last year those hand us of so much pain and heartbreak. I was recovered those first agony, but sometimes it reminded me that if those baby of ours made it through! We should have now a  1year old and 6 months peanut walking around our house! But the Hematoma killed our baby.

The July news gave us the hope that overwhelmed us. We started to plan things around, my husband been reading his book about “Daddy’s to be” and his been so thrilled and excited doing the stuffs and trying to follow what’s in the book says! I felt like I was more than a queen the way my husband treating me.

Before he heads to work he fixed my bed first, my food, my bathrobe, my vitamins, and everything. He makes sure that my mobile is fully charged and reachable so when he called me, I can answer him right away. He does all the house choirs, groceries, laundry, and Ironing even though his not good on it but his trying hard, and don’t want me to do the house choirs even washing dishes.

I fondled like I was the most luxurious and the luckiest wife in whole wide world. But aside for the lucrative emotion all of a sudden the agony assaults again. Few days before the miscarriage the woman instinct of me is different I felt like I’m loosing all the pregnancy symptoms. I called my husband that afternoon from his work to get a pregnancy test for me after his office hours. He asked me why? And I said just follow what I said! When he gets home with the PT pregnancy test I pee on a cup and my husband doing the Deeping on it! The result was (- negative) I started to panic that night and my husband convinced me that he pulled it out to soon as he only counts 10seconds, and he wants to test it again. I said no need!

That night I emailed my clinic and told my crisis feelings. The next day early morning my husband and I went to our clinic to undergo the blood test again. The result will be the afternoon. My husband took the sick leave as he still has 18days of sick leave left for this year! Before heading back to the house we bought a PT again. We tested it again and this time my husband use his timer for 20seconds Deeping. After 5minutes it says I’m pregnant. We embrace each other and happy to see I was pregnant still. I fondled and kind of relax for those scenarios. But inside of me saying, I will be completely fine if the result of my blood test would be doubled or higher from the first blood test.

I keep on eyeing my mobile or my emails, as we’re anxious for the result. Finely I got the email from my clinic, I haven’t read it all the way as the one I saw right away was the sentence “sorry your hCG counts goes down to 6.7 from 403.4” all of the sudden I stumbled and the fear is managing my body. My tears started to fall down, followed with the pain and started to felt like somebody is stubbing my heart slowly and slowly. My husband who seats next to me continued to read the email, then he hug me, we both started to ask why?  We haven’t or I did not do anything wrong to make our possible twins died! All I did was resting and resting! Again we experienced the most agony of our marriage. We we’re longing this baby dust for few years now, and why it seems like its difficult to be possible!

The next day I asked my husband that I need some walking, because I’m thinking maybe it cause me to bleed. As on my mind I need to bleed now or else it be dangerous for me as my Doctor said. But on the side part of my body, my heart is whispering my ear that maybe it will grow and develop, and maybe God will provide us his miracle again, maybe the baby still developing and growing, that maybe the clinic was just wrong counting my hCG test results!

I’ll have to put you away, goodbye babies! I’m putting you away for me to move on, and trying to forget the pain that your gone. But I wont forget the time that for the second time I saw you and carried you inside my womb. This will be my last to mention about you, but surely in my heart your always be, I love you and see you soon as I believe I’m gonna see you somehow soon or later in the future.:)

My mind wins, we end-up walking. I felt exhausted those every single steps after few minutes of walking. My husband said we should ride to get home quick but I insisted that I want to walk that I felt fine so no worries! But inside of me I was really drained out, I felt dizzy and fainted all of a sudden. Until we reached the house, I lay down the bed and I felt all of my body parts are shaking from head to toe! I went to the bathroom after I felt ok to get up, and found out I was starting to bleed, called my husband and again we end up of embracing each other. The pain in me is more worst than what I think, knowing that it is really the end of my pregnancy.

The next day I wipe and saw a very thick blood and started crying, my heart saying goodbye to you my possible twins. My husband saw it as he always follows me when I use the bathroom since I got pregnant, and he just hug me tight and said will conceive again soon. All you have to do now is to recover your body, go back to the gym to exercise and this time I’ll go to the gym with you. It’s not just your responsibility to be physically fit but mine to, I need to be physically fit too for you, and for our coming baby.

I was totally drained out and exhausted, I was broken-hearted again. I felt like God punished me. Why this happen again not once but twice? Why we have to experience this misery again? I was looking for someone or something to blame! I admit I even blame and I got mad to God. Knowing that nobody’s fault! I don’t know!

Last week I went to a counselor Doctor and this afternoon. First I don’t really need to talk this with anyone. Even to my mother, to a family, or to friends. I just want to be alone. I don’t want them to ask me why what happen? I don’t want to talk about it and I opted to be quite for this. But my husband is worried, and our Doctor to. So last week we end up to a counseling Doctor. She let me talk and talk all about the sorrows. And crying is out of me in front of people but it never stop me as my tears just flood right away. She asked about my life before, my relationship with my family back in Philippines, and my relationship with my family back in States, how do I deal with friendship here in Czech Republic, if I felt homesick at all? I said to myself how these stuffs related with my miscarriage?

After all she articulate that I’m a very strong woman! Which is good on the other part, but being strong doesn’t mean that it is good for my health too. And I don’t understand those! Maybe I’ll have a good understanding on our next talk, as she wanted to see me again this week. And this afternoon was my second session of talking with my counselor, she explained me everything. She told me start all over again, have fun, and forget them all if I need to have a baby soon then I should end the pain as I’m the only one can do it. I’m not really in favor of talking her but I think it helps me for the fact that there are some certain worries that I keep for long time with me and she cleared it out during our meting.

For now I’m willing to move on again, to be back on shape physically to mentally. I’ll just eye the future that one day my husband and I become parents. I have no reason to stop, as this battle makes me stronger even more. But if you ask me how am I now? I don’t know how to answer you! Should I say, “I’m fine” or “I’m Okay”? I don’t know yet!

But one thing I was sure about that I’m working my faith back to God, and longing for his forgiveness. Because I questioned his plans, his power to me I maybe don’t have the answer yet, but I hope one day I’ll find it out why he took my babies away from me and my husband. I fully understand that what we have in life is just a temporary, the ultimate owner is our creature God. And having a child is temporary too, but hopefully one day God allow me to barrow that child for long period of time like some parents do.:)

Thank you for reading and hanging on my drama here, I know not just me facing this kind of agony but everyone has their own stories, and for me this my story that made my heart-broken into pieces.:(


P.S if you want to hear about more my drama? here’s my 1st blog about my first loss last year     http://www.dobry-topic-yen.blogspot.com


6 thoughts on “Writing Challenge: Starting Over ~~Copping with miscarriage #2 :(:(:(

  1. Dear Yen, if I could just sit with you and hold your hand and tell you I understand your pain, I’m crying knowing the sadness you feel with empty arms, my babies like yours are in Heaven all 7 of them, 3 stillborn girls and I don’t know the others, I was only 41/2 months but I will one day like you with your 3, know everything about them, I wrote a poem, I will leave you a link.

    Blog link- http://freedomborn.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/jesus-holds-my-babies/

    Yen I did not know God at that time but He knew me and now I do know Him I want to tell you what He is really like. God is Love He does not cause us to suffer or have hardship or loose babies but He does promise to be with us when we go through it (see Scripture below) He knew Yen when you conceived that something would go wrong with the babies, He knows all things but God is not the Author of sickness and death, He can do no evil or does He willingly allow it. sadly it is part of life because of the evil caused by sin.

    Lamentations 3: 33 For He doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.

    Isaiah 43:1-3 – Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.”

    Jeremiah 29 :11-12 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

    Yen would you deliberatly hurt your caring and Loving husband or would you plan to make him suffer for whatever reason. God Loves you Yen even more then your love your husband or your husband loves you, differance is God will never for any reason not even unintentionly hurt you and He will make good come from all you suffered and yes there may be another Baby although there was not with me but my Loving Heavenly Father filled my arms with other Peoples Children and I have much Joy in my heart and wonderful memories, I no longer have the pain of loosing my babies but the Joy of sharing my friends Children and those I cared for in tan Othange and those I taught about Jesus at R.E and my Funday Schools will never leave me they are imbeded in my heart.

    Christian Love from both of us – Anne

  2. Hello Anne,
    I was glad reading your note, loosing my (2 unborn angels) are too much heartaches for me, how much more your’s:( I just dont know how you cope-up with things like that!

    I felt ok right now and moving-on is my priorities so far. I keep myself busy going to gym, and other stuffs to keep my mind focus on things than thinking my loss.

    I’m trying to look forward the best, and hopefully soon we could conceive again and made it through all.

    I wish you and I are just neighbors, as someone like you that has a good spirits and christian is what I need the most, right now! last weekend my husband and I went to church, I felt God’s sign as I felt and he answered the sign that I asked from him! I felt guilty asking his forgiveness knowing that I questioned his plans! I could say and felt that my faith is going back to be strong sooner or later, which I really wanted to happen.:)

    Thanks you for your note again and the poem, on the other aspects it really helped and thanks for being there my friend.:)

    God Bless you and I,

  3. Hi Yen, I’m pleased your moving on and seeking to look ahead with Hope. I too wish very much that I could sit and share with you face to face but perhaps that will be possiable one day.

    You said Yen about my loosing my babies ….I just dont know how you cope-up with things like that! at the time I just keep trying to have more babies but when it was not possiable to even concieve, I remember calling out to God after hearing Children are a blessing …Where is my blessing and I heard in my heart very clearly I have other blessings for you, at the time I did not understand fully but now I do.

    Yen knowing God never plans evil for His children has given me a heart full of Joy, unlike when I was a child, as an Adult and even as a new Christian, I feared God in my heart, I did not realise that He never deliberatly hurts us, people told me He did even though they sugar coated it, yes we can hurt ourselves and without seeking Him and Trusting in Him, we often do.

    God planned for my Babies to have life, yours too Yen and we will know them all in Heaven but He also knew that they would not servive outside the womb, that something would go wrong with their gestation but He did not want us to be barren for eternity but wanted to bless us with eternal Children.

    God formed the embreo and womb perfect at Creation, it was very good but sickness and death has caused what was good to be mared, this was never God’s will and as we grow in the womb and even before, He knows us and every detail of our life and His plans are always good for us, He Loves us greatly and when He thinks of us and makes plans about us they are for good, He is Love and can think and be no other way.

    Jeremiah 29 :11-12 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a Future and a Hope.

    Yen there is so much more I would love to share with you if you want, please feel free to e-mail me Email-freedomronanne5@optusnet.com.au

    Christian Love from both of us – Ron and Anne

  4. Just letting you know you are in my thoughts and prayers Yen , always remember you are greatly Loved by God and right now you can’t even imagine how wonderful is His plans for you are but they are all good 100%

    Christian Love from both of us – Anne

    • Thank you so much Anne, you dont know how much I appreciated all the words you wrote for me. I’m doing good here and so with my husband! sometimes I fondled with this petty emotions on me every time I saw pregnant woman, or parents that pushing their baby stroller, it somehow makes me cry inside. But again things happens, and we or I can’t put them back again.

      My husband and I are taking a vacation next month going back home to States and hopefully this vacation can help us conceive. I’m excited for this trip as will be more on driving the pretty scenarios, hiking, beach, adventure is part of the trip too.
      There’s a lot of things that I should look forward. Like moving to another country again in November, going to driving lesson, photography school, culinary school, and maybe I consider for high course that really interest on me. So i’ll be busy and at the same time planning this baby dust.:)

      Every time I put those busy schedule on my mind at least it helps me to think different planning, and surely those would be fun.:)

      And yes I started to carry now my small bible it’s in my purse now back where it should belong. I just glimpse a little verses last week and, I know I’m getting there.:) I keep praying that God open his new door for us into a joyful lifetime happiness, and I felt it’s on our way now.:)

      I miss writing so I think today I’ll join the Jake’s blog sunday post about “Autumn” I’m late though but I’ll try, I just saw his Sunday post late last night as I can’t go back to sleep.

      Thank you very much Anne,

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