The Daily Post posted a theme today titled Writing Challenge: Starting Over and I opted I to post this story I made last year during the 2nd Horror accidents to me last year, not just once but a year before of 2012 the 1st agony started to test my faith.I called this my horror that I’m having trouble to escape because Moving on, is sometimes hard to do and it takes time. But my husband and I are heading the directions where is Up is, because it is the right way to continue our story by following whats up ahead. But there’s a moments that we can’t deny we felt Down because of what happen, thinking that if they survive we should be playing with them now. Sometimes we go either Sideways of feelings and emotions, because we’re just human.
The bellow wordings and paragraphs that you’ll about to read was my original writing story. Hopefully you’ll going to read it from the start till it end.
Been a while since I haven’t hand you the update about me! Actually I opted to reveal my joyful news to you last week, but it turned out an agony again between my husband and me.
My husband and I conceived again for the second time. We got 2 red lines on the stick. It was the happiest day of ours. I emailed my clinic that we got positive and I want a blood test to find out my hCG level (Human chorionic gonadotropin.) On the afternoon my clinic emailed me the results, and their happy to announce that I was confirmed pregnant and my hCG level are very good. But the other good news is that my numbers are quite high and possible for twin! And I should be resting until our first ultrasound comes.
Those hCG result made us so happy and thrilled about our blessings from God, and plus the possible twins those were awesome. We finely conceived again after our first miscarriage last year those hand us of so much pain and heartbreak. I was recovered those first agony, but sometimes it reminded me that if those baby of ours made it through! We should have now a 1year old and 6 months peanut walking around our house! But the Hematoma killed our baby.
The July news gave us the hope that overwhelmed us. We started to plan things around, my husband been reading his book about “Daddy’s to be” and his been so thrilled and excited doing the stuffs and trying to follow what’s in the book says! I felt like I was more than a queen the way my husband treating me.
Before he heads to work he fixed my bed first, my food, my bathrobe, my vitamins, and everything. He makes sure that my mobile is fully charged and reachable so when he called me, I can answer him right away. He does all the house choirs, groceries, laundry, and Ironing even though his not good on it but his trying hard, and don’t want me to do the house choirs even washing dishes.
I fondled like I was the most luxurious and the luckiest wife in whole wide world. But aside for the lucrative emotion all of a sudden the agony assaults again. Few days before the miscarriage the woman instinct of me is different I felt like I’m loosing all the pregnancy symptoms. I called my husband that afternoon from his work to get a pregnancy test for me after his office hours. He asked me why? And I said just follow what I said! When he gets home with the PT pregnancy test I pee on a cup and my husband doing the Deeping on it! The result was (- negative) I started to panic that night and my husband convinced me that he pulled it out to soon as he only counts 10seconds, and he wants to test it again. I said no need!
That night I emailed my clinic and told my crisis feelings. The next day early morning my husband and I went to our clinic to undergo the blood test again. The result will be the afternoon. My husband took the sick leave as he still has 18days of sick leave left for this year! Before heading back to the house we bought a PT again. We tested it again and this time my husband use his timer for 20seconds Deeping. After 5minutes it says I’m pregnant. We embrace each other and happy to see I was pregnant still. I fondled and kind of relax for those scenarios. But inside of me saying, I will be completely fine if the result of my blood test would be doubled or higher from the first blood test.
I keep on eyeing my mobile or my emails, as we’re anxious for the result. Finely I got the email from my clinic, I haven’t read it all the way as the one I saw right away was the sentence “sorry your hCG counts goes down to 6.7 from 403.4” all of the sudden I stumbled and the fear is managing my body. My tears started to fall down, followed with the pain and started to felt like somebody is stubbing my heart slowly and slowly. My husband who seats next to me continued to read the email, then he hug me, we both started to ask why? We haven’t or I did not do anything wrong to make our possible twins died! All I did was resting and resting! Again we experienced the most agony of our marriage. We we’re longing this baby dust for few years now, and why it seems like its difficult to be possible!
The next day I asked my husband that I need some walking, because I’m thinking maybe it cause me to bleed. As on my mind I need to bleed now or else it be dangerous for me as my Doctor said. But on the side part of my body, my heart is whispering my ear that maybe it will grow and develop, and maybe God will provide us his miracle again, maybe the baby still developing and growing, that maybe the clinic was just wrong counting my hCG test results!
My mind wins, we end-up walking. I felt exhausted those every single steps after few minutes of walking. My husband said we should ride to get home quick but I insisted that I want to walk that I felt fine so no worries! But inside of me I was really drained out, I felt dizzy and fainted all of a sudden. Until we reached the house, I lay down the bed and I felt all of my body parts are shaking from head to toe! I went to the bathroom after I felt ok to get up, and found out I was starting to bleed, called my husband and again we end up of embracing each other. The pain in me is more worst than what I think, knowing that it is really the end of my pregnancy.
The next day I wipe and saw a very thick blood and started crying, my heart saying goodbye to you my possible twins. My husband saw it as he always follows me when I use the bathroom since I got pregnant, and he just hug me tight and said will conceive again soon. All you have to do now is to recover your body, go back to the gym to exercise and this time I’ll go to the gym with you. It’s not just your responsibility to be physically fit but mine to, I need to be physically fit too for you, and for our coming baby.
I was totally drained out and exhausted, I was broken-hearted again. I felt like God punished me. Why this happen again not once but twice? Why we have to experience this misery again? I was looking for someone or something to blame! I admit I even blame and I got mad to God. Knowing that nobody’s fault! I don’t know!
Last week I went to a counselor Doctor and this afternoon. First I don’t really need to talk this with anyone. Even to my mother, to a family, or to friends. I just want to be alone. I don’t want them to ask me why what happen? I don’t want to talk about it and I opted to be quite for this. But my husband is worried, and our Doctor to. So last week we end up to a counseling Doctor. She let me talk and talk all about the sorrows. And crying is out of me in front of people but it never stop me as my tears just flood right away. She asked about my life before, my relationship with my family back in Philippines, and my relationship with my family back in States, how do I deal with friendship here in Czech Republic, if I felt homesick at all? I said to myself how these stuffs related with my miscarriage?
After all she articulate that I’m a very strong woman! Which is good on the other part, but being strong doesn’t mean that it is good for my health too. And I don’t understand those! Maybe I’ll have a good understanding on our next talk, as she wanted to see me again this week. And this afternoon was my second session of talking with my counselor, she explained me everything. She told me start all over again, have fun, and forget them all if I need to have a baby soon then I should end the pain as I’m the only one can do it. I’m not really in favor of talking her but I think it helps me for the fact that there are some certain worries that I keep for long time with me and she cleared it out during our meting.
For now I’m willing to move on again, to be back on shape physically to mentally. I’ll just eye the future that one day my husband and I become parents. I have no reason to stop, as this battle makes me stronger even more. But if you ask me how am I now? I don’t know how to answer you! Should I say, “I’m fine” or “I’m Okay”? I don’t know yet!
But one thing I was sure about that I’m working my faith back to God, and longing for his forgiveness. Because I questioned his plans, his power to me I maybe don’t have the answer yet, but I hope one day I’ll find it out why he took my babies away from me and my husband. I fully understand that what we have in life is just a temporary, the ultimate owner is our creature God. And having a child is temporary too, but hopefully one day God allow me to barrow that child for long period of time like some parents do.:)
Thank you for reading and hanging on my drama here, I know not just me facing this kind of agony but everyone has their own stories, and for me this my story that made my heart-broken into pieces.:(
P.S if you want to hear about more my drama? here’s my 1st blog about my first loss last year http://www.dobry-topic-yen.blogspot.com